I feel nothing

Yesterday was the first time in my whole life I went to sleep without having any food.

When I was younger I used to believe I required a perfect environment to perform.

That I would not be capable of performing without parameters I made up in my head.

Those parameters were set in my head to avoid discomfort.

Over the past month I’ve been in what my past self would call the worst case scenario, but I’ve been performing better than I ever have.

The reason is I stopped accounting my feelings in anything I do.

I have a vision for who I want to be, where I want to go, and I know the things I need to do to get there. Me considering if I feel like doing something is not one of the things conducive to my vision.

I refuse to accept that your feelings hold any bearing on reality, because by completely disregarding my feelings I have become truly happy and content.

I was broken hearted, moved to a new city, lost most of my clients, had no money, slept in my car, worked at the library, showered at the gym, and ate tuna fish packets and peanut butter.

I cried at the gym, I cried at the library, I cried in the car.

Day after day I told myself that if I put in the effort this current state was temporary. Now 30 days later that time has come.

I don’t feel shit anymore, I just perform. I am happy. I am confident. I am capable.

That is my happiness.

Being capable.